I woke straight up out of a coma and....

This is me trying to put the best scar forward.

If you read my December blog, you know what happened -- you know, the midget with the butter knife. I was drunk sitting in my favorite bar (The Hard Times and Misery Saloon), and the little guy pissed me off. He just stood there lookin at my shorts when I was talking to him.

I asked him, "why don't you look me in the eye?"

He said, "because I don't look up to scum like you, dickhead. Anyway, aren't I'a lookin you in the eye?"

Everybody laughed, and that's when I punched him on top the head -- the little fucker.

He pulled out his butter knife then -- and IT WAS ON.

You all don't really believe this, do you? I was just funnin ya. It was just a boring surgery, but be careful, cause I like to tell whoppers.

What really happened was emergency surgery for an exploded colon. (I had a cancer the size of a football. It was really gross. I was fecal vomiting -- that's when you throw up turds. But don't worry, it only happens when you have a football sized cancer keeping you from poopin). I was out, comatose for days. I was very, very sick, but I was too scared to die. I was so sick someone called for the priest. I hadn't seen a priest in years, but someone called one. It was only Gage and I in the room when the priest came in.

This is what Gage told me happened, "yeah, you woke straight up out of the coma. You had been out for days. Nobody thought you were going to make it. The doctors wouldn't look anyone in the eye when they talked-- and you know what that means. So we called the priest. He came with his oil and priest things. I don't know about Catholic stuff. Well, anyway he started putting oil on you and you began to moan. Then he mumbled some prayers. I don't know what he was saying. Gawd, Catholics are weird. Well, about that time he started to ask you in a loud voice, 'do you renounce Satan? Do you renounce Satan?' You woke straight up out of the coma and looked at him with his oil and priest stuff, and you said,'WAAT?' I damn near cracked up. He asked again--real serious, "do you renounce Satan?"

You looked at him for a while and asked, 'Father, am I going to die?'

He said, 'I don't want to worry you, but it doesn't look good.'

Then you said, 'Well, Father, if I'm going to die, I don't think it's a good idea for me to go around making me any new enemies."