Look, mom, a human Chia Pet.

I am William Sharum......(what a moment of self-awareness, to suddenly wake up in a modified body, a body sent through a demolition derby of whirling dervishes with sharp knives. They fixed it where I would die another day, and not on their stainless steel table or in their hospital.)

The last thing I remember was, "sign this paper or die."

The bag on my side covers my new poop chute. Friends and family were glad to hear I survived my rip-me-a-new-asshole surgery. My pipes have been moved around to where I no longer sit and shit. I figure over the past year it had saved me 20 minutes a day x 365... that's a savings of three days on the pot. WoW! Everybody should have this done; think of the time you'd save, and the money to be saved on wipe! Over a period of ten years you'll accumulate thirty days -- one month! Use it any way you want: go on vacation; sleep through July; drive to Alaska-- any way you want.

Little kids spot the bump under the shirt right away; immediately wanting to know "what's you packin?" They aren't afraid to ask. I love it when they do, particularly when their parents aren't around. I tell them I use to eat watermelon seeds, and one of them took root. It grew and grew and before I knew it, I had a giant watermelon in my gut. I then show them the scar. I tell them how the doctors took big knives and big forks and dug it out. I wince, whimper, and cry when I tell them. (sort of a re-enactment). They wince in sympathy. I tell them it hurt like hell, and I remind them not to eat watermelon. Then I laugh. They always cut a skeptical eye toward me then. Every once in a while, one of them will ask, "didn't they knock you out?"

I tell them I didn't have any money, and "that's what they do to broke people."

They know they are being bullshitted, but all the evidence of the real story is still there, at which point they'll ask to see it again. They never know what to think. The memory of me will stay for a while in their consideration of the strangeness of the wide world, and in their bad dreams. In a few years they'll figure it out and realize they'd been had by the fat man with the scar.

Someday, when I'm really feeling sorry for myself, I'll tell you all of what a groveling financial humiliation my life has become. Watch for: Hardscrabble Days.